There Are Mission Statements and Then There's Cooper Tire and Rubber's Mission Statement

If you are familiar with the genre you can probably come up with better examples. Here are a couple that I recall offhand:

Avery Dennison makes stick on labels. Their mission statement is:

Our company vision is to make every brand more inspiring and the world more intelligent.

Lofty.
Health Net is a health insurer/managed care organization. They say:

Our mission at Health Net, Inc. is to help our members and beneficiaries be healthy, secure, and comfortable.

I like comfy.
And the Cooper Tire & Rubber Company:

The purpose of the Cooper Tire & Rubber Company is to earn money for its shareholders and increase the value of their investment. We will do that through growing the company, controlling assets and properly structuring the balance sheet, thereby increasing EPS, cash flow, and return on invested capital.

Now that's via MissionStatements.com which is probably the source for Triple Pundit's "3p Weekend: Six Oddest Corporate Mission Statements".

The purported statement does not appear on CT&R's website but I wish it did.
Here's the Mission Statement Generator should you be in the market for same:

Our responsibility is to synergistically morph outcome-driven mindshare to stay pertinent in tomorrow's world.